Or, as the people in Cleveland call it, "The Betrayal."
What's clear about Thursday night is that LeBron James' announcement was anti-climactic. We all knew the answer was Miami before he stumbled over the words; ESPN simply didn't want to make the news official before 9 p.m. and cannibalize its ratings for what seemed more like a reality TV show than a sports program.
But the absurdity of ESPN's program doesn't mean we can't learn something from it. So I'm going to get all Patrick Jane from The Mentalist and try to determine what James' body language and words say about the King.
1. The stone face
Did anyone else notice that LeBron smiled maybe twice throughout the entire interview? Dude just landed a five-year contract worth somewhere near $100 million, he's going to play with two of the best in the game, he gets to move to South Beach — and he can't crack a smile?
That's a calculated move. If he could have, LeBron would have Tom Cruise'd all over his chair, announced he was adding Dwyane Wade to his Fave 5, stomped on a Cleveland jersey and then announced to every girl in South Beach, "The King's coming south!"
But this program was about brand. James was already crushing Ohio's collective heart. The least he could do was to seem grim about it
2. The Abraham Lincoln beard
It served the same purpose. It was LeBron's "Honest Abe" moment.
3. Stumbling over his words
"In this fall — this is very tough — in this fall I'm going to take my talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat."
To be fair, I think LeBron does honestly feel bad about what he did to the Cavaliers — this was the moment where that showed. The biggest moment of his life thus far, and he stumbles. I don't think you can fake that.
Though I say he still feels better about arriving in Miami than he feels bad about leaving Cleveland.
4. Words to Cleveland
This is where the above is most obvious. Let's play a little game of "Read Between the Lines" on LeBron's quotes:
Quote: "The seven years I gave to that franchise, to that city, it was everything."
Translation: "I've given you plenty; three more years than I should have, in fact. Now I'm 25 and already have balky knees."
Quote: "I've done so many great things for that team."
Translation: "For all of you who say I'm leaving because I'm too scared to do it myself, I took Cleveland to the brink single-handed."
Quote: "You're going to have the real fans who love me for who I am. For me being from Akron, Ohio, and loving Akron, Ohio, it's always home for me. I'm still going to live there, always be home. Akron, Ohio."
Translation: "See! I just said 'Akron' three times in 20 seconds. That has to count for something."
Quote: "It was a tough decision, because I know how loyal I am."
Translation: "People of Cleveland, please don't burn down my house."
In all those quotes, James is defending himself against the inevitable attacks against him (and I mean he literally might get attacked — they're already burning his jersey in the streets of Cleveland). People saying that he's too soft, that he's now the Scottie Pippen to D-Wade's Michael Jordan, and worst of all, that he's a traitor.
5. Humility
"It's been an unbelievable experience, a real humbling experience to be even to be in this position."
Please. That's just more brand-building. "I'm the dude who was willing to take less money to build a dynasty."
Then came Jim Gray. Honestly, how did Gray end up doing this interview? Since the Pete Rose interview debacle in '99, I've seen the guy make a few cameos and a couple of Rome is Burning episodes, stumbling awkwardly every two lines, all while wearing a sheepish grin. But I digress.
Two minutes later, James' humility plea was followed up by this question from Gray:
"So the other five [teams you're not signing with], on pins and needles, they don't know. They'll be listening to this?"
James: "Right."
You made them wait? The poor guys in Cleveland's front office had to wait until 9 p.m., watch 25 minutes of ESPN analysts slobbering over LeBron's biceps, and then hear it on live, national TV?
Why? Were you worried they'd leak the news and eat into the ratings of "The Decision?" You had already sold the ad space. At the very least, you could have called them an hour prior to the program and said "Hey Dan Gilbert, thanks for making me a millionaire beyond belief, and for adding Shaquille O'Neal, Antawn Jamison, Jamario Moon and others to an already very good roster last season. Sorry I couldn't win with them.
"By the way, I'm leaving you. There's someone else. Actually, two other guys. But I at least wanted to give you the news before the rest of the world knows."
But James didn't do that. He stomped on their faces in front of everyone. Here's Gilbert's reaction to that decision (and it is scathing).
In the end, LeBron hoped The Decision would accomplish three things: Build his brand, make Cleveland forgive him and defend himself against claims that he copped out.
Despite the body language and choice of words, I'd say he failed on all three counts.
